Monday, June 2, 2014

I have no idea what you want!

You’re not being clear. I need you to be clear.

I have no idea what you’re saying. Are you asking me to do something? Is this informational? Why did I get this?

Having a reasonable command of the Engrish language, I fully understand each of the words in your email; and yet the combination of characters and phrases results in a complete shutdown of my synaptic activity. I have no idea what you want.

In fact, I think I just lost IQ value as a result of your mind-numbing, time-sucking, spelling-challenged, participle-dangling, soul-killing stream of consciousness that DOESN’T HAVE A POINT!!.

For one example; I received an email that I had to print out, grab an adult beverage, and proceed to read like it was a legal contract. Eventually, after two refills I determined that the author thought he had too many servers in his Disaster Recovery plan (he didn’t).

For Heaven’s sake, couldn’t you just say that up-front? Three printed pages off-topic wandering prose filled with off-purpose “detail” that truly required clairvoyance to fully assimilate.

Look, some topics are hard and require context to understand. I get it. But don’t make me read through pages of narrative to infer your question. Put it right up front, then provide your background.

While I’m at it, would it be too much to ask that you re-read your mash of keystrokes before you hit Send?

As near as I can discern, you wildly stab at the keyboard while ducking poison darts hurled by Ninja Assassins; and with your last dying gasp reach up from the floor to submit a typographically encrypted message for which you require an immediate comment. Comment? I can’t even comprehend.

Spelling is nice; you should consider it. If only there were some spelling checking device built into our communication software. That would be cool.

I’ve written before on the value of Deliberate Practice; an approach that led me to read a new book of the Rules for Business Writing. One suggestion is to always start emails with a single sentence that clearly defines the purpose of the communication.

For instance, I could have started this post with:

You’re not being clear. I need you to be clear.

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